THE BIG GAME BY BACKHAND

We all know that Backhand is God’s favorite band. That’s a given, but few know the origin story to how they became God’s favorite band. Gather round and let me tell you the daring tale of four young men who set out to usurp David as God’s favorite. David might’ve had a secret chord, but Backhand could fucking rock.

If you’ve made it past the first couple pages of the Bible, you know that God rested on the seventh day. But what you didn’t know was that the vibes were off. Even after the creation of man, the world was incomplete. So on the eighth day* he created four young men to entertain him** and then and only then, did God stop creating.

These four men, known collectively as Backhand, did their job wonderfully, going down to earth to entertain the human race. And this pleased God. But these four men could not be contained because as God made them the perfect vessels for entertainment, incidentally imbuing them with a power greater than God’s: the power of punk rock.

With God’s own creation beyond his control,*** he set out to find someone to who could best the boys of Backhand. Orpheus was sent and a battle ensued. For days they fought. As was tradition if any battle lasted for longer than six days, they rested on the seventh. Unfortunately, Orpheus chose to spend his day resting at a brothel, and he lost his head in an orgy.

Sirens were sent, the same ones who had tempted even Odysseus, but Backhand could not be swayed. Their powers to rock were too much even for the tempting Siren song.

And then along came David—that twat. He claimed to have a secret chord that would please the Lord. It went something like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor falls, the major lifts, etc., etc. And you know what? It did please the Lord. It pleased God so much that Backhand was in trouble. Unless they out perform David with his secret chord, they were in jeopardy of losing the title of God's favorite band.

But right when they appeared defeated, Backhand took the stage, rising to the occasion. They rocked and they rolled like no one had ever rocked and rolled before. Faces melted,**** minds were blown, heads exploded, and more importantly, the band introduced David to their good friend Bathsheba. And we all know how that ends.

​So, after much toiling and strife, God was forced to admit defeat. Through their defiance, Backhand regained favor in God’s eyes, and God bestowed them—in perpetuity—the title of God’s Favorite Band, forever immortalized, never to be dethroned again. 

*where the Beatles got their famous “Eight Days a Week”
​**this so happens to be the origin story of the court jester
​***the origins of Frankenstein as well—it’s all tired together
****where the phrase comes from and the inspiration behind Raiders of the Lost Ark