ALL MY EXES ARE DOING BETTER THAN ME BY ELLIOT GREER

A letter to the editor, but it’s really just a letter to the artist expressing a couple grievances:

I, unlike Elliot Greer, do not have the humility to admit that any one of my exes is doing better than me. “All my exes are doing better than me” is a statement that is totally false for me. I’m thriving.* I went to law school. I graduated law school. I quit my law firm job to pursue my dreams. You gave up on your dreams of becoming a doctor for a man who my friend described as “incredibly average looking.” 

Okay, that message wasn’t for you, Elliot. I got distracted by the mistakes of my past, something I am sure you can relate to. The following, however, is my message to you:

Really, not a single one of your exes is doing worse? Not a single failed influencer living back at her parents amongst the ranks? No aspiring poet who couldn’t write a haiku to save his life? No unhinged tweets about Q or lizard people that have them hiding from the FBI after their involvement with Jan 6?

Everyone has at least one ex that, upon thinking of them, you are immediately reminded, Yeah that one was a mistake. One that your friends constantly bring up because it was so stupid and you deserved so much better. I can’t believe that you don’t have that ex. There is no possible way that all of your exes are doing better. You’re being way too hard on yourself. Have you ever met someone who has a PhD? I have never met a single person pursuing a PhD that doesn’t loath the decision.

If nothing else, you have this incredible song. It’s catchy. It’s got soul. As a renowned sad boy myself, it’s highly relatable. If this song is still true after I brought up all of this evidence to the contrary, just keep going. You’re doing great.

*Despite most of this article being written before my latest breakup, causing me to question the validity of the first sentence of this paragraph.