WITH TRUMP ON THE WAY OUT, HE TURNS HIS FOCUS TO HIS MUSIC CAREER WITH A BRAND NEW TINY DESK CONCERT

Trump sits behind tiny desk showing off his tiny hands before performing concert.

The 45th President of the United States made an interesting move last month as he set up behind a tiny desk within the White House. But at this point, is anyone surprised by anything he does anymore? However, this time, I was pleasantly surprised that our beloved President was in the news for something positive. Trump announced that his next move post presidency will be to focus on his music career. Though this was a surprise to some, we all know how talented the President is. He's is the most talented president we have ever had. More talented than Teddy Roosevelt. He's the best to ever do it. He's very talented. The most talented. No one has ever been more talented than this, our current President. ​

For those not familiar with the format, NPR regularly hosts artists from all kinds of genres to play behind a desk at their offices in Washington DC. They’re usually pretty intimate concerts, as fifty people cram into a small office to see anyone from Hobo Johnson to Taylor Swift and many more.
 
With the COVID-19 pandemic cutting through this nation like a hot knife through butter, NPR has moved to a virtual format, inviting artists to perform a few songs from their homes in a Tiny Desk (Home) Concert.

It wasn’t too surprising when NPR refused to host the outgoing president. Since the election, Trump has been burning bridges like a modern-day Sherman on his March to the Sea. In an official statement, NPR said it had something to do with integrity... their moral compass… and some other related things in the same vein. Can you blame them?
 
However, OAN, a news media outlet notorious for its dedication to the truth and unbiased reporting, graciously stepped in, inviting Mr. President to perform in his own Petite Escritoire Show (change of name due to trademark concerns) from an increasingly empty, almost depressingly so, White House. Despite sounding fancy and French, the spectacle that occurred was far from either. Truly a sign of the times. I’m sure years from now we’ll be asking each other, “Do you remember where you were when you first heard Trump perform his Tiny Desk Concert?” And we will all respond, “Of course I do. I was home because we were in the middle of a freaking pandemic.”

The show was typical in length though he’ll tell you otherwise. He’ll say it was the longest show they had in the history since they’ve ever had concerts. Then he awkwardly made a sexual innuendo about length and his penis. All par for the course for our forty-fifth President of the United States. He performed four songs off his upcoming debut album Saturday’s Are for the (Proud) Boys.

The President wasted no time getting political. What can you expect from the man who takes life by the pussy? I certainly was not surprised when he started the concert off with his debut single, the politically charged, angst driven anthem “We Don’t Need No Vaccination.”
 
Of course, coming from a project weirdly named Operation Warp Speed I am slightly skeptical that it could produce anything useful, but I believe in science, and if scientists say it’s going to be effective, then I’m going to get it, like any rational human being should. Let’s just hope to God that Operation Warp Speed is more effective than when the New York Jets offense was going into hyperdrive. But who are we kidding? Nothing can be worse than the Jets’ offense. Though, with over 250,00 dead from coronavirus, I would think it would make sense now more than ever for Sam Darnold to be seeing ghosts. But it’s obvious, based on the name alone, that this song is pandering to Trump’s base, and everyone knows that fan service can only work for so long. To the lay person listening to this song for the first time, it is clear that he only cares about one person in this world, and that’s himself.

Trump then switches gears and gets a little sentimental with the heartfelt ballad “Hey Rude.” In this ode to Rudy Giuliani, you can feel the love he has for the man in this song. I'm sure his macho political base will explain that it’s definitely a platonic, brotherly love that is in no way homosexual. Because that would be an abomination in the eyes of god. Despite loads of evidence to the contrary, they’re just friends. Best friends. He’s the best friend one could ever ask for. You don’t see China having friends this good. No. Not even Kim Jong-un has friends as good as him, and he threatens them with their lives.

Trump truly showed his range with the emo banger “Wake Me Up When Corona Ends.” Congrats, Mr. President. This song is the most relatable you’ve ever been. Too bad it was through a very cheap rip-off of a Green Day song. I mean, come on, you didn’t even bother changing anymore words besides replacing "September" with "Corona" every time it appears in the song.
 
The song's only saving grace was Mike Pence’s surprise feature. If not for Pence’s lyric baritone, the song would not have been palatable. The entire concert is almost worth listening to solely for the thirty seconds Pence appears in this song.

Unfortunately, not featured in the concert was more of Trump's sick dance moves. Nothing turns on a middle-aged woman named Carroll (a close cousin to the infamous Karen) quite like Trump dancing to the “YMCA.” No, he kept it simple and refrained from busting out the moves, keeping it in line with the mood of the ever-embarrassing dumpster fire that this administration has become over the last four years.

The highlight of the concert, and just in time for the holidays, was Trump finishing the concert with a riveting, yet somber performance of his rendition of "Last Christmas." It comes as a poignant, dark message heading into the holidays because, as we all know, the Dems plans to dismantle Christmas one piece at a time until it will be abolished from the face of the earth. Within the first 100 days alone, a law is to be passed that dictates AOC will actually replace all depictions of the Virgin Mary in every nativity sold starting Christmas 2021. The future is bleak indeed. I also heard that if you are even heard uttering the phrase “M*rry Chr*stmas,” you will be immediately detained and sent to re-education camps in the godless, democrat-infested city of Portland. May god have mercy on our souls. Or what is left of them once Biden administration takes office.
 
Even though the highlight of the concert, Trump seemed to be lip syncing. I mean there were several long portions where the words being sang and the movements his mouth was making were not matching up. We may never know, but should we really all be that surprised? This is the same guy whose hair hasn’t been matching up with what the rest of his head has done for decades and whose face matches the color and texture of Mavs Man. If you really want some nightmare fuel, just do a quick google search for Mavs Man.

My final thoughts: Trump gives a less than mediocre performance behind the tiniest desk possible. Kudos to finding such a tiny desk for your first Tiny Desk (Home) Concert, but it seems like his musical career is headed in the same direction his election fraud cases.
 
And for those who didn’t catch on, all pro-Trump language in this review was 100% sarcastic. I couldn't despise the man more.

-Seth