TEAM EDWARD OR TEAM JACOB?

Team Edward or Team Jacob: a tale as old as time, or at the very least, the mid 2000s.

Okay up until the other week I had never seen any of the Twilight movies in their entirety. I had seen parts of the first one probably about ten years ago. I have not read the books either which seems like a given since I hadn’t seen the movies.

I had no reason to. Understand, I was 16 when the first movie came out. And I was in hyper masculine Texas. Even if I was interested in seeing them (to be honest, I was curious as to how bad they were) I wouldn’t be caught dead admitting that or seeing one because in the late 2000s, the worst thing you could be accused of as a guy, especially an incredibly awkward and insecure one as myself, was gay. There was this constant gay witch hunt much of which sadly turned out to be closeted guys projecting in hindsight. It was a weird time. And it’s crazy that it was only 10-15 years ago.

Side note: You know who did not give a fuck about any of this? My brother. He read all four in one summer when he was 19. If you know my brother, you know why this is so bizarrely funny.

So when all of the movies came on Netflix a couple weeks ago, I, much like pretty much everyone else in the world, decided to watch them. When I started all five were in the top ten on Netflix. I mean, sure I think that list doesn’t honestly say what’s the true top ten and is mostly for them to promote their own content but still.

But I was seeing them for the first time. And of course when people find out that you’re watching them for the first time comes the obvious question: Team Edward or Team Jacob? And suddenly I had flashbacks of seeing these t-shirts all throughout high school.

I decided to take the assignment (which absolutely no one had given me) very seriously from the beginning. Which side was I going to be for? Team Edward or team Jacob?

Before we begin, let’s make one thing clear: Bella SUCKS. I think this is pretty widely accepted, but I just had to say it.

Actually let’s make one more thing clear: they (Bella and Edward) both suck. They’re both selfish. And you know what? Jacob also sucks. They all suck. Screw everyone.

It’s all a game of who can manipulate who the most. Bella of course wins.

You don’t have much to go off of in the first one. Edward is weird with an inconsistent accent. They both are incredibly awkward throughout the whole thing almost to the point that I think it’s intentional. I mean no one uses a contraction for the first thirty minutes of the film.

New moon you start to get it. Edward just disappears for what seems like kind of a bullshit excuse. It reminds me of when I was a sophomore in high school and I broke up with my girlfriend eight months before my family was supposed to move because I didn’t want things to suck even more if we dated for that much longer. Then I didn’t end up moving. Also we got back together almost immediately and broke up two months later. Men, amirite? We create bullshit excuses not to be with someone. Now, one indefensible thing in this is Jacob making Edward think Bella is dead when he’s on the phone and she’s standing right in front of him.

Then in Eclipse, I feel like Edward starts to win you back again. Plus Jacob’s a hothead and reacts really poorly.

About halfway through Eclipse I could feel myself suddenly understanding the mind or at least mindset of a high school girl circa 2010. If only I’d had that knowledge back then. I probably still would’ve been a loser. It was around this same time (halfway through eclipse, not 2010) that I thought to myself am I actually enjoying this right now? Yes, yes I was.

After Eclipse, I had reached some extensive analysis but I wasn’t ready to make a definitive decision, but these were my thoughts:

You feel for Jacob. As a man that has had two women tell me that I was everything they ever wanted and then went off and married other men, I feel for him. But that’s also why I don’t like him because he reminds me way too much of BYU Seth (BYU Seth was a huge loser). And holy shit he was manipulative as hell while getting her to admit she loved him. Not to say Edward isn’t manipulative and doesn’t do some what-should-be-unforgivable things. It’s also pretty obvious that it was always going to be Edward. At this point I know I didn’t say which team, and that’s a long answer for a really stupid movie, but there you go.

Also, I can’t believe Jacob suggests a polyamory. Bold, BOLD strategy. But you have to admit there was some serious sexual tension between the three of them in the tent scene.

Okay, so this only takes us up through three movies, here’s my final conclusion:

The turning point for me was when Jacob still cared for her in Breaking Dawn: Part I. Like, he abandons his family; he’s there for the birth of the creepiest baby in the history of all time; he tackles Rosalie in the delivery room; I mean, sure he’s like Michael Scott trying to be the father (and then life partner — get to that in a bit) to a kid that isn’t his, but you know, it’s a little sweeter, I guess. Bella is slightly better than Jan.

To be fair, Jacob just leaves when he thinks she’s dead, and Edward doesn’t give up. And then he tries to go kill the baby before he has a vision of the future, which came from where? Why does he all of a sudden have Alice’s abilities? Also imprinting on a baby is fucking weird but we won’t get into that. But the fact is he was ready to die for the kid of the woman he loved which is awfully sweet, I guess.

I still think he’s dumb. Like I said, Jacob does a lot of douchebag things: kissing her the first time, the comments and blatant flirting he does around Edward (not to mention that steamy tent scene), telling Bella what to do or what she should do, and then his reaction at the wedding, and if we’re being totally honest, his reaction pretty much to anything.

But like move on bro. As a pathetic hopeless romantic that has held on for women who were never coming back, I get it. That’s why I hate him. Because well, I hate me. Well, not anymore. I hate past me. Not current me. I kind of like current me, but that’s not what this post is about.

But in the end (it doesn’t even matter!): Team Jacob.

Other points:

I have a friend named Edward and he gave the biggest eye roll anytime anyone brought it up. Ironically, Ed also doesn’t have a soul because he’s a ginger. Had just as good of hair though. Maybe even better?

Rob has the edge on acting, which is sad because in the beginning it’s… not good, but it’s probably why he still is acting and Taylor hasn’t done anything in five years.

Follow-up on this though: Where tf does his accent go? He definitely has a weird accent during parts of the first one. Am I crazy on this?

The watching her in her sleep thing was a bit of a red flag from the very beginning.

How did they not have a bigger budget for wigs?

The opening transitions for New Moon and Eclipse of the moon phases and the eclipse are top notch.

“You nicknamed my daughter after the Lochness Monster???” is the funniest line in all five movies.

I feel really bad for all of the teenage daughter who had to watch those breaking dawn sex scene with their mothers.

Finally, it’s so dumb no one actually dies in the last one.