M.O.M.'S MOVIE GUIDE TO SURVIVE TILL NEW YEAR'S

Hey there, faithful Music Outlet Mall reader. If you like to listen to music synchronized with moving images at the same time, then you have just stumbled onto the most glorious list of all time. Enjoy M.O.M.’s Movie Guide To Survive Til New Years!

Oscar Watch

• The Whale (Release Date: December 9). Remember Brendan Fraser? You know him. The guy from The Mummy movies from 20 years ago, Blast From the Past, and George of the Jungle. This movie is supposedly the peak of his current comeback, where he plays an estranged father trying to reconnect with his daughter, played by Sadie Sink from Stranger Things (hopefully she makes it up that hill).
• Tár (Release Date: October 7). Cate Blanchett is supposed to be stunning in it, and this movie is set up to be a little divisive. What could possibly go wrong in our divided society of today?
• The Banshees of Inisherin (Release Date: October 21). Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson (that’s Mad-Eye Moody for all normal, non-movie-obsessed people) are friends who stop being friends. Honestly, it’s a weird premise for a movie and will probably be slow with really good acting. 
• Weird: The Al Yankovic Story (Release Date: November 4). Putting this under Oscar Watch is a joke—kind of. It’s the story of Weird Al Yankovic—kind of. It’s actually the story of Daniel Radcliffe aka Weird Al super fan—kind of. It's a full-length movie of a Funny Or Die video from 2010, and Harry Potter himself got jacked for it. 
• Blonde (Release Date: September 28. Netflix). Need we say more? The Ana de Armas biopic has been described as very explicit—sexually (insert *bonk* meme). Will Andy watch this in the name of this blog and cinema? Of course. ​

Go See It Just to See What the Drama Is About

• ​Don’t Worry Darling (Release Date: September 23). What’s left to add to the drama of this movie? The movie itself is not supposed to be good, but we know you’re all horny bastards who need to see this movie for *reasons* (See: Miss Flo, Harry Styles). Enjoy.

The Triumphant Return of the Rom-Com

• Bros (Release Date: September 30). Billy Eichner (Billy On The Street, Parks and Rec, and The Lion King) wrote this and stars in it. He’s calling it the revival of the rom-com. Worst case scenario is that it’s pretty funny thanks to Eichner’s wit and charm. 
• Ticket to Paradise (Release Date: October 21). Can they resurrect the classic rom-com? Maybe Bros will already have done that, but Andy can never resist a good old fashioned rom-com. He’s a total sucker for them. Just go look at his blog post breaking down all of his favorite rom-coms. Insane. How long did that take him? Actually, don’t tell me. Just go watch this movie instead.
• Meet Cute (Release Date: September 21). It’s fucking Pete Davidson and Kaley Cuoco, so it can’t be that bad. This might be the movie that makes Andy finally download Peacock.

Ah Shit, Here We Go Again aka Movies No One Asked For

• Avatar: The Way of Water (Release Date: December 16). No, not that Avatar. No one asked for this, but we’ll go see it. 
• ​Subcategory: Just Sit Through It With Your Significant Other and Don’t Complain 
  • Hocus Pocus 2 (Release Date: September 30. Disney+). See all those actors who played old ladies return as actual old ladies!
  • Disenchanted (Release Date: November 24. Disney+). Might be worth the watch just to see Patrick Dempsey’s magnificent mane. If it’s a wig, don’t tell me. 
  • Pinocchio (Release Date: September 8. Disney+). Another goddamn “live” remake of a Disney classic animated film. I’ve heard it’s horrible, so good luck. Also, is it really live action? The cgi Pinocchio looks just like his cartoon counterpart. Just saying. Have you noticed a patern of this entire category being on Disney+? 

Knock-Off Wes Anderson, But I’m Still Going To See It

• See How They Run (Release Date: September 16). Honestly, you don’t need to know what this is even about, it has Sam Rockwell and Saoirse Ronan. They’re both fantastic in everything they’re in. ​

Non-Bros Bro Movie

• The Greatest Beer Run Ever (Release Date: September 30. AppleTV+). Zac Efron brings beer to his friends while they fight in the Vietnam War. Based on a true story. Need we say more?

Get Scared Just To Feel Alive

• Halloween Ends (Release Date: October 14). Halloween Kills was pretty rough but it suffered from the fact that it just needed to exist for the final act, which is Halloween Ends. Here’s hoping they can land the plane.
• Barbarian (Release Date: September 9). This is already out, and is such a delight. Don’t read anything about it. Take a glance at the poster, buy your ticket, empty your bladder, and enjoy. (Note from Andy: it's supposed to be terrifying, so it's not for everyone.)
• Werewolf By Night (Release Date: October 7. Disney+). Marvel might be doing something unique here. It looks like it will be family friendly, but pays homage to classic horror monster movies of the 20th century. What’s that? You don’t care? Fine. Go watch The Dark Knight again for the millionth time.
• The Menu (Release Date: November 18). It’s a comedy horror film with a stacked cast, including Ralph Fiennes aka Voldemort and Anya Taylor Joy.

Animation

• Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio (Release Date: December 9. Netflix). It’ll be a helluva lot better than Disney’s recent remake and Ewan McGregor, Ron Perlman, Finn Wolfhard, Cate Blanchett, Tilda Swinton, and Christopher Waltz are some of the voice actors.
• Strange World (Release Date: November 23). It’s a Disney-animated sci-fi adventure that visually looks vibrant and beautiful and has a stacked cast of voice actors, including Jake Gyllenhaal, and if you’re still mad at him after the release of “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)(Taylor’s Version),” I understand.

Movies That Will Bring Sexists/Racists Out of Their Holes to Comment Online

• She Said (Release Date: November 18). A movie focused on the story of breaking a pivotal #MeToo story. I always love a story about a story. Almost as much as the dude disguised as a dude playing another dude!
• Wakanda Forever (Release Date: November 11). Secretly hoping this does well just to silence bandwagon marvel critics, but already bracing for the inevitable review bomb.
• Women Talking (Release Date: December 2). A slow moving movie about acts of violence against women in a religious community. Viewer discretion advised. 
• The Woman King (Release Date: September 16). True to the category it’s under, this hasn’t even been released and already has been review bombed on IMDb.

Stacked Casts

• Amsterdam (Release Date: October 7). Part true crime, part American history, part fiction. This won’t be confusing at all. Rumor has it Christian Bale actually lost his right eye for this role.
• Armageddon Time (Release Date: November 11). We have no idea what this movie is about, but it has Anne Hathaway, Anthony Hopkins, and Jeremy Strong. 
• Spirited (Release Date: November 2022. AppleTV+). Ryan Reynolds and Will Ferrel are giving Dickens the musical treatment this holiday season. This will be entertaining at its worst and best, so there’s really no losing when checking this one out.
• Glass Onion aka Knives Out 2 (Release Date: December 23. Netflix). You’re gonna watch this over the holidays with your family and secretly wish you could watch it in theaters just so you don’t have to hear your uncle Mike talk over every important part. Uncle Mike is the worst.

Mindless Action

• Medieval (Release Date: September 9). It’s supposed to be a crazy action movie about a guy taking on the Roman Empire. We know nothing else. 
• Black Adam (Release Date: October 21). If you feel a slight shift in the world on October 21, don’t worry, it’s just Black Adam changing the hierarchy of power in the DC universe. ​

We Don’t Know Where Else To Put It

• The Fabelmans (Release Date: November 23). Film nerds rejoice. A semi-autobiographical story from Steven Spielberg about a young boy who copes with trauma after discovering his love of movies.
• Clerks III (Release Date: September 13). Clerks I and II have some of the most rewatchable scenes that riff on other movies’ most famous scenes, so if this one can replicate any of that again, this should be a solid movie. 
• White Noise (Release Date: December 30. Netflix). It’s Noah Baumbach. It’s Greta Gerwig. It’s Adam Driver. We will see this movie regardless, but it’ll be on Netflix, so there’s no excuse. 
• All Quiet on the Western Front (Release Date: October 28. Netflix). This will be watched by thousands of high school students the night before a report is due until the end of time, that is if any books aren’t on the banned books list in the future.