I WATCHED MORBIUS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO

I saw Morbius today. If you are online in any capacity, it's very possible that you've heard that this movie is bad. So I had to know for myself. I had to know just how bad it really was.

​Warning: There are a lot of spoilers below. That's kind of the point of this post. I watched it, so you don't have to. 

​Movie Recap:
Dr. Michael Morbius (played by Jared Leto—the worst person in the world) has a debilitating blood disease. He lives in a home for kids with this same disease (I don't know if I missed it, but I think he's also an orphan). He saves his only friend Milo's (played by Matt Smith) life at a young age, who has the same blood disease, and because of this (being a genius and saving his friend's life), he's sent to a school for gifted children in New York (I'll get to this later).

After becoming a renowned doctor for developing synthetic blood, he steals a bunch of vampire bats to splice their DNA with his own, turning himself into a bloodthirsty vampire but also curing himself from his disease—kind of. He does this on a cargo ship in international waters for some reason with the help of his co-researcher and fellow doctor Martine (played by the beautiful Adria Arjona). He then kills the entire mercenary crew of the cargo ship and disappears, but not before taking the other vials of human-spliced vampire bat DNA. He's on the run from the FBI, but continues to stop in to check on his former patients and hides in plain sight.

Morbius discovers that he must keep drinking blood, or he will revert back to his weakened, diseased-riddled state. He's moral so he decides he will only drink synthetic blood, but finds that the synthetic blood has diminishing marginal returns and becomes less effective the more he drinks it. While experimenting on himself to see how long he can go without blood (or something like that), he locks himself in a glass cell in his research facility. His friend Milo just happens to come by to visit and finds him like this. Milo saves him when Morbius tells him to get him some synthetic blood. His friend is like, "Dude, what the hell, you found a cure.? Were you not going to tell me?" And Morbius goes on about how it's not a cure, it's a curse. At some point after this, Milo steals a vial of the serum.

A nurse mysteriously dies. Everyone thinks it's Morbius because he's the only person they know of that's killed other people by brutally mauling them and draining them of their blood.  Morbius is eventually caught by the FBI because 1) he is the worst person at hiding and 2) he kind of stops and turns himself in. Milo visits Morbius in prison and sneaks some blood, so Morbius can keep his strength. On his way out, Milo leaves his cane, revealing that he has taken the serum even though Morbius told him not too. Morbius realizes that he didn't kill the nurse, and that Milo did. This sends him into a fit of rage, and he breaks out of prison. He chases Milo down. They fight. Milo kills some police officers. Morbius realizes Milo is stronger and runs away. 

After all that, Morbius and Martine team up to try to figure out an anti-serum. He creates a makeshift lab from a counterfeit money operation he takes down. That is a real thing. Morbius and Martine make out on a rooftop after he almost attacks her when she pricks her finger opening a can of cat food. Milo watches from afar. Again, all of that actually happens.

Milo baits Morbius by killing the doctor that used to take care of them, and then he kidnaps Martine. Morbius arrives just in time to see Martine dying after Milo has mortally wounded her. Her and Morbius make out (something Milo just lets them do as it's revealed he's standing ten feet away 30 seconds later) and while making out, she bites his lip, drawing some blood which she consumes. She then tells Morbius to go get him. Morbius then goes to Chow Town, biting ferociously into and drinking his dead love interest's blood to give him the strength to fight Milo. 

Milo and Morbius fight a horrendously stupid fight scene. Lots of weird effects and slow-mo/freeze frames. Morbius gets his ass handed to him. They go underground to some abandoned subway station. Morbius is all but dead and with one final shriek he summons thousands of actual bats to his aid. They somehow revive Morbius from his fatigued and beat up state, and Morbius harnesses the power of the bats to immobilize (how? I actually don't know) Milo long enough to administer the anti-serum to Milo, killing his only friend. He flies away with all of the bats, and it's revealed that Martine is now a vampire. I don't know if it's because she consumed his blood or if it's because he bit her. 

There are two end credits scenes. Scene 1: Michael Keaton's Vulture from Homecoming shows up in a jail cell in this universe. Because no one knows who he is and showed up out of nowhere, they immediately let him out. Scene 2: Vulture and Morbius meet up in a field somewhere and talk. Vulture says he doesn't know why he's here, but he thinks it's because of Peter Parker. He also says he's a big fan of Morbius. They decide to team up. So I guess after being a good guy the entire movie, he's now going to be bad.

Other Thoughts: 

• Again, Jared Leto is the worst person in the world
• The movie takes itself way too seriously (see first point above about Jared Leto being the worst person in the world) 
• Blood splatters on the screen multiple times— just why?
• He gets in this tube of bats like the scene from Batman Begins, but it just doesn't land at all
• The fight scenes have so much slow-mo and freeze frames that I thought Zack Snyder directed the movie
• I would've believe this movie more if Milo and Morbius were gay lovers a la Dumbledore and Grindelwald 
• Matt Smith is wildly underutilized and tragically mismanaged, almost as poorly mismanaged as my Peanut Butter M&Ms intake throughout the movie. I say this for the movie but also in American entertainment in general. The scene in the movie of him working out and dancing is unintentionally and objectively funny. 
• You can't tease a school for gifted children in New York in a Marvel movie. Like Michael Morbius wasn't a mutant. Get X-Men out of your filthy mouths, Sony's Marvel. 
• Adria Arjona is absolutely stunning

Corny Vampire Movies I'd Rather Watch Than This:

• The Blade Trilogy — Awesome but still corny
• Any Twilight Movie
• From Dusk Till Dawn
• Van Helsing
• Hotel Transylvania