TOP TEN WHITE PEOPLE BANGERS

​Everyone is hoping for a white Christmas, but even if it doesn’t snow, you can throw on these songs, and it’ll be the whitest thing you’ve ever done.

Pictured: My sweet as dance moves.

We all know white people are the embodiment of the word cringe. We take everything and make it a thousand times worse. Have you ever been inside an On the Border? I rest my case.

And the buck doesn’t stop at food. White people live to take great songs and ruin them. They’ll play them until even the artist themself will hate it. Why do you think Rick Astley disappeared for so long?
 
Like, if we’re being honest here, if Ocean’s 11 took place in Provo Utah, none of the intricate planning would’ve been necessary. They would’ve just needed to throw on this playlist and everyone would be distracted while they stole all the money in broad daylight. So here you go Top Ten White People Bangers.
 
1. Don’t Stop Believing by Journey. Karaoke bars would go bankrupt without this song. It’s that simple.
2. Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. Have you ever been to a BYU football game? They get more excited to sing this than the actual game.
3. Mr. Brightside by The Killers. (Actual Banger) So if you didn’t already know, Mr. Brightside has spent 240 weeks on the Top 100 charts in the Uk. It was #85 on June 12th OF THIS YEAR. Only white people can be behind this kind of thing. No one is that ridiculous.
4. Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners. (Actual Banger) I feel like I genuinely love this song so much that I just have to leave it at that. It’s awesome. And I’m one of the whitest people out there.
5. Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley. Just watch the music video. There is nothing whiter.

6. I Want It That Way by Backstreet Boys. Nothing will induce white girls to break out into song more than this song. Nothing can stop it. Like Thanos, it is inevitable.
7. Anything by Kenny Chesney (especially “When the Sun Goes Down” – talk about a panty dropper, Uncle Cracker). Any massive country music concert is going to be bring white people like moths to a flame. They can’t help themselves.
8. Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. The percentage of white people that know these lyrics by heart is astounding.
9. Livin’ On A Prayer by Bon Jovi. It’s Bon Jovi. Who’s whiter than that?
10. Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne. This one holds a special place in my heart. Every suburban adolescent in the mid 2000s dreamed of Stacy’s mom. White suburban boys swoon everywhere. We wouldn’t be the same without her. RIP Adam.

Honorable Mentions:
Any song by Coldplay. White people eat that shit up.
Higher by Creed. Creed was Nickelback before Nickelback. We make fun of them, but they have two albums that went platinum and one that went diamond. Who do you think is listening to them? White people. Plus, have you seen Creed perform this song at the Dallas Cowboys’ halftime show? You can’t get any whiter.
Photograph by Nickelback. See description for Creed above. It’s practically the same thing minus the the Cowboys’ halftime show. It might be a joke
Dancing Queen by ABBA. They literally wrote an entire Broadway play about this.
Tub thumping
Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex. One, any band named Rednex has to be white asf. And two, have you seen Nick Miller dance to this? It’s so catchy. No one can resist it.
Hey Ya! by Outkast. Remember how I said white people will ruin everything? This is a prime example.